Sooooo….I’ve not been around much this week. There are three reasons.
First, I’ve been spring-fevered and can’t stop making small changes to my house. (More on this later.)
Second, I’ve been sewing a top for myself and it has sleeves, which I’ve never done before. So that took a bit of time.
Third, I am SO OVER myself right now.
Y’all. Here’s my hard truth:
I am lying all the time. Lying about who I am, how I am, what matters to me. Lying about what I like. Lying about what I don’t like.
Lie, lie, lie. A lying liar who lies.
And I’m lying to myself, which is why I’m considering punching myself in the face.
I’ve been trying so hard lately, to be something or someone, and I just realized this week: it’s all lies.
It’s not who I am. I am not someone who gives a high holy hell about green smoothies. I am not. I mean, I like smoothies – they are tasty and all, but they say nothing about who I am. So, why am I talking about them here? Why am I pretending that what I drink or how many miles I run or how organized my closet is or what soap I’m using matters at all?
Because. It. Doesn’t.
And that’s actually a good thing. Really.
I’ve always wanted to fit in somewhere, to feel like part of a community. It’s something I’ve never really had because…well. I’m shy. Introverted. Faintly awkward in social situations. Weary of superficiality, but unsure how to connect without it.
And so here on my little blog, because I so desperately to want to feel part of a world at large, I’ve reverted back to that superficiality. To talking about things, projects, plans, to-dos.
I am not those things. Those things do not matter to me, not to my heart, not to who I believe myself to be.
And so I’ve been lying.
I’m sorry for that.
I want to tell the truth now. I don’t want to pretend anymore. And I have to trust that doing so will ultimately allow me connection to others who share some of those truths.
And even if it doesn’t, at least it will be honest.